


Hope

by Starbuck09256



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Some Fluff, but mostly sad, emily post ep, sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:21:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26584315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbuck09256/pseuds/Starbuck09256
Summary: How did Scully deal with Emilys death when she got back to Washington? How did Mulder?
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Kudos: 11





	Hope

Prompts “Don’t shut me out.”

She traces the images of a smiling 3 year old. Whose short hair mimics her sister. The scattered tissues that barely hold her tears mingle with the dried blood under the floorboards. As she sits against the hard wood door in a heap of convulsing sobs. She was so strong at the funeral, her sadness contained in the shell of her broken down body. Everytime she closes her eyes she sees a scared little face begging her to stop the tests. She sees Mulder clutching yellow flowers too tightly as his own sorrow for her pours from his eyes. He knows what this tiny child was to her. He knows that she wanted another life another path, not because of him or their quest. But because fate had chosen her to live on, she had been returned survived the incurable and yet her destiny wasn’t to find the joys that she had forsaken it was as if she was being punished for fighting. She lived but she will never live on in the form of another, she will never have a child that bares her dna. She will never get to feel a baby rolling around in her womb. Never have to worry about labor pains, morning sickness. She will never be able to give Mulder the family he has sought after for 20 plus years. When she was dying it didn’t matter what she did, it was almost easier not caring for the consequences, because in 6 months she would be dead and it would be someone else's problem. That they would have to see how she shattered herself, shattered her relationships, pushed people away so that when she died the pain would be less. Her mother, her brothers.. Mulder. She pushed back and worked and focus on things that were tangible and lacked the emotional connection, a connection she wasn’t interested in forming when death's door was all but a breath away. But now she is here in a world that has cursed her to relive a walking nightmare, happy families practically taunting her, Mulder trying to be closer but yet still keeping his distance despite her practically throwing herself at him. He knew when she told him she couldn’t have children, he knew and that was why he pushed her away months ago. Now she knows why she never realized it, never realized that all he wants is a family. The way he speaks of Samantha of a life lost in time. He is frozen there, in this disillusionment of the perfect happy family and he craves it so badly. She should have known, should have realized when he was talking about baseball and small towns. Saw how his eyes lit up with Emily. He thought there was a chance, a chance for them and this little girl. He didn’t care if it wasn’t his he just cared that it was hers. He wanted to do everything he could to protect them, Emily and her and in the end as always they both lost. Her heart breaks a little more as she squeezes the tissue in her hand. She knows the human body can’t possibly run out of water from tears, but in moments like this she feels like it's as much as anything. She feels the knock on her door against her head. The lights are dimmed and if she doesn’t move perhaps he will let her suffer the pain alone, like she should. It wasn’t his daughter that died, it’s not his chance for parenthood that is on the line. Just hers. Just her that will forever see Emily's face in tiny toddlers, her that will envision an entire life for a girl she barely knew. 

Mulders voice comes through “Please Scully, don’t shut me out.” The last of the words are barely audible and she keeps thinking I have to, I can’t have us both broken at the same time. How will we save one another if both of us just want to give up? 

Her breathe heaves in and out of her lungs as she tries desperately to control her emotions for just enough time to tell him she is fine, cursed and miserable, but fine. But he is whole, safe, able to share his beautiful genes with any woman who would be so very lucky to have him. Deep breath. 

“I’m fine..” her voice practically shatters at the word and she can’t help the tears that mingle with her lips as she repeats it to herself in a whisper, ”I’m fine, it’s fine… everything is ….” and the door clicks and before she can even figure out how to control her tears she is in his arms and they are both crumbling to the floor as her sobs wrack through her body in uncontrollable spasms. He’s there not reassuring her but stroking her back like he did to Emily in the group home. God, Emily those tests how could she as her mother ever make her child needlessly suffer for the small glimmer of hope of what could of been. 

“Mulder, I was such a terrible mother to her, I let them test her, I made her suffer just so that I could have a few more moments with the only child I will ever have. I failed her, the one person in the world that mattered.”

Mulders hand continues up and down and her face gets buried in his neck. 

“You showed her love Scully, and tried everything to save her, to give her the life she deserved, to love her unconditionally. You are what all mothers strive to be,” he stares deep into her water filled eyes and continues “a protector, who had to make the hardest choice imaginable, and you chose to set her free from the confines of a world that would have only caused her more pain than anyone should ever experience.” 

He cups her face in his hands kissing her tears as she hiccups in sorrow. He takes them to the couch and she is so mentally exhausted she barely notices. Barely registers the warm blanket that he drapes around both of them before her body finally gives in to a dreamless slumber. 

When she wakes he has a small cup of tea for her. She rubs her eyes and mutters her thanks. 

“You don’t have to stay, thank you for coming over, I just..”

He pursues his lips stares at her paintings, and sits next to her taking her hands in his.

He clears his throat.

“I know you think that my mother was terrible to me, that she neglected me and that my family life was horrible. But the problem was.. It wasn’t. Before Sam was taken it was perfect, it was the perfect life. Summers on the vineyard, baseball, peanut butter sandwiches, endless hugs, family barbecues. It was like your family, everyone was just happy to be together. Sure Sam was annoying, but she would play stratego with me. My mom would try to make pancakes in the shape of the Enterprise. My dad would throw a baseball to both of us, from the second his feet hit the driveway until well after the street lights came on. He never even got to go inside and put down his briefcase. Over the years, after, the baseball gloves collected dust the pancake mix went bad and all that was left was two people who were shells of their former selves. They weren’t my parents they were people who were so broken that no amount of love or devotion or success would put them back together again, and I was there and watched it all. I saw what losing a family member does to people. What it did to me, what it did to them. So I know you will be fine, because you need to tell yourself that, need to believe it like you believe in god and science. But you will wonder, you will wonder if Emily would ever have loved ballet, if she would be good at soccer, if she would love math and science like you or history and art like me. There will be moments where you will swear that you see her on the street, moments where a candle will flicker out and you feel her breath on your skin. You will hear her laugh in wind and feel her tears in the rain, and in every single one of those moments you will not be fine, and you need to accept that those moments Scully, those are the moments that prove that life is worth living. I want you to tell me when those moments happen Scully. I want you to tell me because being shut out, taking it all on your own, doesn’t make you strong, it makes you hate the world. It makes you into the shell of a person, and there is nothing worse than living life with deep seated regret and pain. I can’t watch another person I love become… hopeless. So I need you to tell me, so you and I can work on it together. To grieve together for the life we could of had, and for the pain we must endure. Can you do that for me Scully? Please?”

As the tears stream down her face she can’t help but nod. Because he’s right, of course he is, and years from now, when she still can’t get rid of him and him of her they will see a girl who they swear looks exactly like Emily, playing in puddles in her ballet outfit. They will see a kid with her smile looking at a science project. They will feel her presence in the darkest of circumstances and know for a glimmer of a second that hope endures.


End file.
